You Might Be An ER Physician/Nurse If...

The following material is copyrighted by Michael Seaver, RN, EMT, and may not be reproduced without his permission.

  • you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
  • discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
  • you believe a good tape job will fix anything.
  • you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
  • you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
  • your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
  • you find humor in other people's stupidity.
  • you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
  • you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
  • you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
  • when a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
  • your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
  • you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
  • you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
  • you believe the govt should require a permit to reproduce.
  • you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
  • you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
  • you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" us uttered.
  • you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
  • your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
  • you believe chocolate is a food group.
  • when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
  • when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
  • you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
  • you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
  • you have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge".
  • you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
  • you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
  • your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
  • you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
  • you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
  • you have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.